Truth

Truth is like childbirth – necessary but excruciating.

I really didn’t know what to say when I learned about it. If she regarded me as a spouse, then I must have been an ass to believe her.

How could she hide this from me? How long did she think she could hide? Four days? Four weeks? Forever? It hurt too much. It really did. Four years of marriage wasn’t worth the effort?

You see, she surrendered all her policies without telling me her difficulty in financing the premiums. She could have told me, right? I could have helped a bit, right?

She fainted at work and was taken to the hospital. When I reached there, the doctor had diagnosed breast cancer – the late stage. And that was when her ex-agent met me and told me about her surrender – the truth. I was somewhat devastated, somewhat bitter.

For the next six months, we laboured on with my personal savings. Her treatment exhausted almost my entire coffers – all $200000. She apologised to me three times during this period and each time I had nothing to utter.

14 hours after the third time she apologised, she lost the battle and passed on. She left me with nothing.

Well, not quite. She left me nothing.

And a great lesson.

Published in: on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 at 11:29 pm  Comments (14)  
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Sudden Death

Last month, I was just talking to Mr Chan at the coffeeshop. He was saying that the government should do something about the high cost of living and the low salary. The next morning, he dropped dead in the bedroom from a heart attack.

Last week, I met Susan at Coffee Bean. We recounted the good old days in high school and how I used to woo her before she left for the states. Two days later, she was run over by a motorcycle.

Yesterday, Jason called me and invited me to his wedding dinner next month. He shared how excited he was about starting his own family unit. I told him he’d make a good husband because he was a very patient guy. Last night, he was stabbed to death in a snatch theft.

Six hours ago, Mum rang me up and said Dad was admitted to hospital. It was just diagnosed that he was at the late stage of liver cancer. Just a few minutes after I had met him at Changi, he passed away.

Just now, an ambulance pulled over by the pavement. The paramedics rolled out the stretcher and I could see a young man with a number tag on his chest lying unconscious. Words spread that he was a seasoned marathon runner who collapsed seconds after completing 21 km.

Now, I am staring at him. He’s being pushed out with the sheet covering his face and his parents crying.

If life is so uncertain, what have I done?

Published in: on Thursday, January 3, 2008 at 12:08 am  Comments (8)  
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what did you say?

a friend told me recently about his former female boss who worked tirelessly in the banking sector and took home up to 20 grand a month. one day, her son felt ill and she took him to the doctor. the boy was deemed fit for school. so she drove him there. the son felt happy despite feeling a little unwell. he went on to say, “mummy, do you know this is the first time you are taking me to school?” the woman broke down in tears upon hearing her son’s innocent words. the next day, she wrote a letter and resigned from her high-ranking post.

this simple tale has an impact on me. what and how, i can’t describe.

Published in: on Monday, October 22, 2007 at 11:26 pm  Comments (7)  
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Changing Course

The Omega marks the Alpha
Sealing with the epilogue
That evokes the bravura
Of trials and tribulations
Of blessings and edifications

Time the commander
Takes charge of his prospect
Diverting route of progress
With ambitious navigation
That leads to the Promised Land

Published in: on Friday, September 28, 2007 at 12:21 am  Comments (6)  
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pray with us

bad news from a former colleague and a friend last week. her two-year-old son was admitted to hospital due to an extremely weak heart. he is still in ICU now. prior to yesterday, he was supported by an artificial heart. now waiting for his heart to respond without support. he has since shown signs of strength to pull through.

it has been a traumatic experience for both parents who have an elder daughter. friends and colleagues who had visited them were often brought to tears. as parents ourselves, we should understand their feelings, though not completely. haven’t visited them in person and don’t intend to. though we are quite close, not sure if we would know what to say if we are there. heard that they need some financial help, so without hesitation, we gave it to them. we are all praying that the young boy will continue to fight.

knowing what the boy has been going through moved me much. but i was never close to tears. then i heard that the father was more affected than the mother. and the reason made me cry – the boy, in his unstable condition, apparently uttered, “Daddy!”

Published in: on Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 8:34 am  Comments (9)  
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climate’s changing, but are we doing anything?

just came back from downtown east. three of us had a great time yesterday at wild wild wet and the maze for kids at eXplorerkid. Faith really loved all the water fun and the climbing through the tunnels experience. as i watched her play, my deepest love for her surfaced from within which almost brought tears to my eyes. i almost always have this huge sense of gratitude whenever i look at my girl.

and sometimes, i shudder when i think of the kind of world she’s going to live in for the good part of her entire life. mad cow disease, SARS, dengue fever, H5N1, global warming and its effects, terrorism, etc. my word…..my girl needs to be strong!

i was at the supermarket with my family buying some groceries. as usual, it was packed with people from all walks of life. and like what we have been doing for the last few years, we brought along our own reusable bags as part of our own effort in being environment-friendly. but as i observed the people in the queues at the cashiers’, almost all of them had no reusable bags, ie, they left the supermarket with more plastic bags. some of them even requested for extra bags to contain their ‘heavy’ items. despite the less plastic bag campaign and its awareness programme, people are just not doing it!

i have been telling my kids in school that the effects of climate change (and global warming) are real, and they all agree. i tell them that they have to help to raise this awareness wherever they go. but i wonder how many parents and relatives actually listen to my kids and treat what they say seriously.

i was watching a little of saving gaia on CNA the other day, and was appalled by the type of pollutants present in the polluted air in Jakarta. how can we let this continue to happen?!! people are dying a slow and painful death there! and i know this isn’t just happening in Indonesia.

really, the threats are there for all to see. but people in Singapore here are just not doing enough to suggest that they care about the environment or the world for that matter. maybe because we don’t really feel the impact in a big way yet. do people really have to learn their lessons the hard and harsh way?

as Singapore and her people celebrate her 42nd National Day today, i hope people out there will not forget the fact that not only Singapore needs us. The world needs us too.

when i visited Verilion over at her blog, i read about this climate change camp at heathrow airport. some of these care-for-the-environment people wanted to raise awareness about the amount of carbon dioxide in the air. of course, they met resistance from the authorities. then i read some comments from this gentleman named Calvin Jones. apparently, he is very much involved in anything to do with climate change. i’m really heartened by the fact that there are people out there who bother to fight for gaia. hence, i’ve decided to support Mr Jones by helping him spread his message. do read it. (more…)

Published in: on Thursday, August 9, 2007 at 3:32 pm  Comments (3)  
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simplicity

the bud
the bud
is growing.
nip it.
no,
tit it
before
the dawn settles.

simplicity is a rare commodity in the modern human race. few would stop and ponder over it. few would want to have anything to do with it. we were meant to enjoy it, but the world is ever evolving rapidly that we see it superfluous. why should we need it, some say, if the world can offer us so much more? times have changed, some say, so move with times and ignore it. without it, complacency and arrogance have taken root, leading to the evil complexity exposing its snares, a situation which most could not recognise or reconcile. seriously, complexity has become more rampant. times of wretchedness are looming large. if only we could all pause and observe and think. simplicity might just save the day.

Published in: on Wednesday, July 18, 2007 at 8:37 am  Comments (5)  
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hanging on

c.s. hanging on…pray for him…

i’m on the edge.

no. i’m not on the edge.

i’m off the edge.

i’m barely hanging on.

you cannot imagine how much is in my hands now.

pray with me, will you?

Published in: on Monday, July 9, 2007 at 6:24 pm  Comments (10)  
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expecting…really?

no. i’m not capable of expecting. i’m a male.

yes, i’m expecting a lot of things in my life.

after a rather short break, school will start next week. even before that, my work has begun this week. challenges, expectations on me, things are happening and they are fast and furious, if i may loosely borrow that tag.

i don’t think i am looking forward to work. i thought i might get into it initially and perhaps, i might enjoy doing it and get ready to soar to greater heights. but now, i’m not so sure. there are times when i wish i could be doing something else, honestly.

don’t get me wrong. this job used to have only one primary purpose, and i like achieving that primary purpose. but as the world is constantly changing, this job has evolved too. now it has two primary purposes (others like to put it, one primary purpose and one secondary purpose). the added purpose had made this job tougher than it used to be.

i’ve been on this job for the last ten years of my life. i’ve got lots of ups and downs in my career. the last two years are supposedly on my ‘up’ side. and with a new position this year, things should look rosy in the next couple of years. i’m probably on the verge of climbing up the ladder.

but somehow, i’m beginning to have doubts. i don’t doubt my abilities (yes, thick-skinned, i know). but i doubt that i will enjoy doing what i’m expected to do in the next few years. as i look at my life and all around me, i can’t help but feel that life is really too precious to be wasted doing what i don’t quite enjoy. (the world is increasingly becoming a threatening place to live in, you know what i mean?) there is my family for me to love and be loved; there are friends to catch up with; there are books to read; there is music for me to appreciate; there are many more things for me to try, experience, enjoy and cherish. should i be off soon?

at the moment, i don’t know. i wish to believe that i have time to think about it. but i know time is moving constantly. and i know that i might not even have the time to think if i were to perish in the next few seconds. will i have any regets then? yes, if you ask me now. i’ll have plenty to regret if i’m gone from the face of the earth.

am i selfish to bear such thoughts?

Published in: on Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 3:27 pm  Comments (7)  
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it might just happen, anytime

death is something totally unavoidable. we all know that. hence, some people fear it. they fear losing everything they have built or gained. they fear losing their loved ones. they fear…there could be a thousand and one reasons why they fear death.

if you ask me, honestly, there is only one reason why i fear death – not having the time to complete what i wish to accomplish. and i’m talking about many things to do here. like, getting my loved ones to believe in Him; writing my will so that my loved ones would at least gain some; telling the world that i’m really, really a pretty nice guy; playing in a band again; reading all the books that are left on the shelves, listening to all my acquired songs and music attentively; expressing my genuine care and concern to those who wish to be heard and comforted; travelling far, far away from here, visiting all the english football stadiums, watching my girl grow up and old, reliving my life again, etc, etc, etc.

when i read the newspapers daily, i see countless deaths being reported. i often think it might happen to me next. don’t get me wrong. i’m not freaking out. it’s just that i’m beginning to live my life as if i’m gone soon. i try to maximise all that i have so that my life will be meaningful and not wasted. not sure if i’m too extreme here. but so far, so good.

Published in: on Tuesday, June 12, 2007 at 11:59 pm  Leave a Comment  
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enjoyable, yet disturbed

had a rather great time in hong kong, though the weather was generally hot. all the shopping, walking, family bonding, partying at disneyland, etc. Faith’s really grown a lot. we all cherished our time spent with her during this vacation. the only problem we had with her was she wanted to be carried most of the time. guess she wanted to build the hercules in the two of us. 🙂

went to shenzhen (china) on wednesday for a day’s tour. other than the fact that we were ‘conned’ into various ‘unchartered’ locations, i must mention that this trip and my stay in hong kong had offered me some sights that made me think. you see, the backdrop of hong kong (and shenzhen) is often made up of short, old, run-down houses and tall, modern, well-built skyscrapers. this contrast of old and new, poor and rich, couldn’t be described in any way. and this contrast could be seen amongst the people on the streets too. one scene in shenzhen, in particular, will stay in my mind for quite a while. as we were walking up an overhead bridge, we saw this woman carrying a sleeping baby and sitting on the floor. she was picking and eating some discarded rice from an overturned garbage bin. i did not feel for her, to be honest. but my heart ached when i saw the baby. perhaps i have a girl myself and i know the needs of a child. i couldn’t imagine how this mother could meet her baby’s needs. i really felt and still feel sad for the young life. 😦

equality in the human race is just a myth. this, i acknowledge. but what can we do to minimise this inequality? we have people finding food from bins. we have p hilton getting away with a mysterious medical condition. we have african children walking around carrying fatal viruses. we have others splurging on lavish wedding celebrations. we…?

but of course, i’m probably looking at what’s obvious to the eyes. perhaps, deep inside every heart there is a soul that can be satisfied easily. all this soul needs is a rare gem called…

Contentment

Hell to those who despise
For they know not what we need
We may not have them all
But we do have each other
Which means so much more
Than what this freaking world
Could barely offer

You are all i care
You are all i have
You are all i need
And that’s fucking so enough

contentment

    and this is what i seriously need to cultivate in my own life.

Published in: on Sunday, June 10, 2007 at 2:10 am  Comments (3)  
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Sunrise

sunrise

Sunrise
That was all I asked for
You told me I would get it

First day
You said you had a gruelling night
Second day
You said you had forgotten about it
Third day
You said the weather forecast wasn’t good

It went on and on and on
And that day never came

Differences were there for all to see
But I chose to hang on
I chose to have faith
I chose to believe

Sunrise
That was all I asked for
You told me I would get it

Fourth day
You said you were on duty
Fifth day
You said your health had failed
Sixth day
I said forget it

Once bitten twice shy
Only a fool like me was blind

Similarities were there for all to see
Now I chose to take off
I chose to have faith
I chose to believe

Sunrise
That is all I ask for
He tells me I will get it

First day
We enjoy sunrise

And I wonder
Will you ever have sunrise?

Published in: on Thursday, May 31, 2007 at 2:59 pm  Comments (2)  
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Flip

We are on the edge
Neither of us dares to choose
Let the flip of the coin decide
First flip yours, second flip mine

Eyes closed, fingers crossed
Up, up and away
Palm enclosure
Head it is –

Adversity begets the supremacy of Man

Go on
Live your life

Eyes closed, fingers crossed
Up, up and away
Palm enclosure
Tail it is –

Life is so immaterial that death becomes material

Go on
Lose my life

Guess this is it
Parting has never been easier

Published in: on Thursday, May 10, 2007 at 10:57 pm  Comments (7)  
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Heist

Warmth skinned from within
As heaved through the feminine lodge
Solace and darkness so yearned
At fresh flesh genesis fleeced

Frowned upon palpable silence
Under barrages of soul bellow
Innocence’s divine origin
Now ever deflowered ’cross ages

Visions oh so chaste
By minutes gates of foul exposed
Tongues of cherubic nature shunned
To wag the wag’s the pun

Socks worked for agape
Unto self could sure be done
Wise fools’ calculated acumen
In lust trust then shall build

Fruits from trinity raided
With weapon o’ mess destruction dubbed time

Published in: on Tuesday, May 8, 2007 at 11:48 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Songs of the Father and His Son

love

David

Beholden with deep gratitude
Not knowing the grounds
Of which this grace came to being
An austere life devoid of fanfare
Hallowed nuptials with a gorgeous nymph
Wishing an epoch of gaiety
Along came an unblemished progeny
A gratification that surpasses my own love

Solomon

Yielded by the heavens
Farmed by the man and woman of old
Pure in the heart
Virtuous in the mind
Nothing in the avenue
To barricade the tender devotion
Reserved for the one
Whose embrace tightens my soul

Published in: on Tuesday, May 1, 2007 at 12:07 pm  Comments (4)  
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The Apostles

The Apostles

The nub of the life
Likens utter compliance
One hegemony

Published in: on Monday, April 30, 2007 at 10:24 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Promising

Look at the beautiful night sky
With the twinkling stars and the elegant moon
It certainly promises much
The cool sea breeze
And the salty smell of humidity
They definitely promise much

How I wish all these had come earlier
You know, we could have really lived happily ever after
We could have realistically grown old together
Pity the human nature is such
That we have our differences
That we could not manage them well enough

Feel the sand around here
The grains are ever so smooth, so fine
Just like how they used to be
Hear the tides rolling in
They sing so merrily in our ears
Bringing back fresh waves of sweet memories

How I wish the human nature is such
Consistent, everlasting and adaptable
That we can be as gay as we want to be
Pity Mother Nature is such
That we’ll always find it a tall order
To keep up with her standard of serendipity

As I observe the contours of your body
As I caress the hardened pounds of muscles
I thank God for the blessings we’d had together
I long to look into your soulful eyes again
I long to kiss your sensual lips again
But I’m just too afraid to face you

She’s calling me now
She’s telling me that there is hope
She’s begging me to turn myself in
Life’s like that, she says
Ups and downs, loss and gain
Health and sickness, life and death

He looked at the beautiful night sky again. With the twinkling stars and the elegant moon, it looked promising. Life could still go on. Do it, she said. He reached for his cellular and made the call. Then, he picked up his lover’s head and stood by the body. He closed his eyes and absorbed her singing voice. He was looking forward to his new life.

The first car arrived. Two of them walked cautiously towards him with their pistols in their hands. He offered no resistance. He was taken into the car as others began their work. With the window halfway up, he could hear one speak to another. “One male body. Still searching for his head.”

Published in: on Saturday, April 28, 2007 at 5:09 pm  Comments (4)  
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back on track

my lady and i had gone to see a specialist on thyroid. as long as we manage the condition well, having a second child is not a problem. the only problem is that this condition can be inherited. at least, it’s not a major illness. it can be controlled in several ways. one good thing came out of this condition though: my lady has slimmed down.

i’m glad to be back blogging. feel kind of rusty though. the brain hasn’t worked creatively yet. it has been busy at work almost to full-load. so it’ll take quite sometime before i could churn out another couple of masterpieces here.

have been working about 12 hours a day from Mondays to Fridays. tiring but satisfying too. not sure if this is really what i want in the long run. time spent with family, especially the little one, has been compromised somewhat during the weekdays. so really cherish my weekends now.

as for the 14-minute question, i’m still working on it.

Published in: on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 at 10:48 pm  Comments (5)  
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a question

after learning about my lady’s condition(which apparently is hereditary) and getting inspired by my “14 minutes” post, i asked a question, “What would I do if I’m left with only 14 minutes to live?” i shall hibernate and think about it.

The vulnerability of human beings is subtly revealing itself so much that it is no longer a joke. C.S.

Published in: on Thursday, April 5, 2007 at 10:11 pm  Comments (6)  
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Mask

Humor ’tis been taught
An armor that masks sorrow
Tumor old man laughs

(a feeble attempt inspired by Maht and his haiku)

Published in: on Tuesday, April 3, 2007 at 9:48 am  Comments (5)  
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The Paroxysm of Rage and Laughter

paroxysm.jpg
Troubles indeed
Self-control has lost its navigation
Sensibility has been thoroughly
Vanquished and undone
By a certain Mr Circumstances
Whose circumcision has rendered him
Resume the tyranny of time and space
Poor, poor old master
Resigning to have his fate
Condemned to eternity
Not knowing which outburst to abide by
Anger, amusement, fury, hilarity
Laughter, mirth, rage, wrath
If only mortal could innovate
If only divine could intervene
This paroxysm might just cease, perchance

Published in: on Sunday, April 1, 2007 at 11:59 pm  Comments (2)  
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till life do us part

your words convinced me
your love warmed me
your actions melted me
your sacrifices nailed me
you were meant for me
    so, it really puzzles me
    why you didn’t do it, for me
    why you didn’t put in effort, for me
    why you didn’t trust your faith, for me
    why you didn’t insist on showing the way, for me
well, i guess this is it
you have crossed the path
i’m left behind
you have reached the destiny
i’m stuck to doom
    pardon me for asking
    did we say, “till life do us part”?
Published in: on Saturday, March 31, 2007 at 11:57 pm  Comments (2)  
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Death……Life

Dewdrops of grief and glee
The path to Normandy
Sizzling ashes of glory

40 torrential days and nights
Hub of the soul that bites
Wishes deprived of rights

Dagger of slain Duncan
War cry, trumpets and siren
Rays of light that darken

Terminal point of more returns
Desperation crashes and burns
Probe to call nature’s turns

Weight perceived as dodo’s bill
Posts signed with comic chill
ABC of nought or nil

Fluid form of healing stone
Rests that tag and hone
Novocaine that huffs the tone

Sand that dunes the face
Tinted grey of cells that pace
Long lost gods of Hercules’ grace

Laps that round and bound
Tasks of hound and pound
Rats with sound of ground

The passion of criminal act
Certainties to a soulful pact
Upstarts that rise to fact

Kimberly’s vow to last the trip
Sir Paul sworn to bud the nip
Father of love could taste a sip

Youthful does that prance
Hot-blooded stamens that chance
Budding essence that looks askance

Innocence diminishing with time
World of wonders not all but a dime
Image of him who speaks in mime

Published in: on Tuesday, March 27, 2007 at 11:44 pm  Comments (4)  
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