expecting…really?

no. i’m not capable of expecting. i’m a male.

yes, i’m expecting a lot of things in my life.

after a rather short break, school will start next week. even before that, my work has begun this week. challenges, expectations on me, things are happening and they are fast and furious, if i may loosely borrow that tag.

i don’t think i am looking forward to work. i thought i might get into it initially and perhaps, i might enjoy doing it and get ready to soar to greater heights. but now, i’m not so sure. there are times when i wish i could be doing something else, honestly.

don’t get me wrong. this job used to have only one primary purpose, and i like achieving that primary purpose. but as the world is constantly changing, this job has evolved too. now it has two primary purposes (others like to put it, one primary purpose and one secondary purpose). the added purpose had made this job tougher than it used to be.

i’ve been on this job for the last ten years of my life. i’ve got lots of ups and downs in my career. the last two years are supposedly on my ‘up’ side. and with a new position this year, things should look rosy in the next couple of years. i’m probably on the verge of climbing up the ladder.

but somehow, i’m beginning to have doubts. i don’t doubt my abilities (yes, thick-skinned, i know). but i doubt that i will enjoy doing what i’m expected to do in the next few years. as i look at my life and all around me, i can’t help but feel that life is really too precious to be wasted doing what i don’t quite enjoy. (the world is increasingly becoming a threatening place to live in, you know what i mean?) there is my family for me to love and be loved; there are friends to catch up with; there are books to read; there is music for me to appreciate; there are many more things for me to try, experience, enjoy and cherish. should i be off soon?

at the moment, i don’t know. i wish to believe that i have time to think about it. but i know time is moving constantly. and i know that i might not even have the time to think if i were to perish in the next few seconds. will i have any regets then? yes, if you ask me now. i’ll have plenty to regret if i’m gone from the face of the earth.

am i selfish to bear such thoughts?

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Published in: on Thursday, June 21, 2007 at 3:27 pm  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Not at all CS. When I began my working life I used to wonder why I had no ambition, it used to worry me and so I took those positions of responsibility and ploughed on. Now twelve/thirteen whatever yeaers later I still have no ambition. I’m happy doing what I do, I don’t need extra titles or renumeration to give me value. Life is too short to waste time on stuff you don’t want to be doing. Enjoy your family and being loved, enjoy your music, enjoy your writing.

  2. Just live to the fullest for the moment CS and let intuition guide you into making the right decisions.

  3. thanks, Verilion! yes, i need to learn to enjoy life. ‘cos we know time isn’t going to wait for me.

    agree with you, Suzan! maximising what i have and let my instincts lead the way. thank you!

  4. Sometimes we forget to live in the here and now. Expectation of self encourages prediction and prediction encourages negativity. Live in the moment, CS.

  5. perhaps, i agree, Minx.

  6. CS, I think about these things everyday. Sometimes, I agonize over them. Carpe diem – yet it’s not so easy, not when you have obligations, and boundaries, and constraints. I am totally there with you, but I have no solution.

  7. thanks for encouraging me, Vesper! solutions don’t come easy, so i’m already feel blessed to have a friend in you.


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