doors left open

i wrote again.

today, i went.

i met.

Linda Grant from Liverpool.

a few others, including one from Wolverhampton and one from Wales.

we talked.

i had fun.

oh, i also bought and she signed.

i left.

this is the first time for me, really. so naturally, my entire being isn’t sure how to react. the last two days i’ve been having mixed emotions and my mind’s been thinking a lot. past, present or even future. can’t believe it or can’t accept it, i couldn’t really tell the difference. lots of ‘what if’s have been lingering too. i guess it’s just the irrational behaviour under a rational circumstance. is it just someone passing on? no. or is it someone special passing on? not sure. all these afterthoughts probably don’t mean much now. all i can confess is that i miss her. but then again, i might not have felt it if nothing has happened. so it’s the same own cliché, right? appreciate who you have now before a sudden departure arrives.

any comfort from this? not sure too. oh, perhaps, or most definitely, yes. she’s with Him now.

Lying before me
Is a path so less travelled
I’m waiting for you

i stumbled upon a piece of sad news today. i’ve lost a friend. i didn’t know that she was suffering from an illness, and of course, i wasn’t at her funeral. i feel sad, and bad.

The canary stopped
Singing songs of Solomon
Rot stripped its heart bare

dear Marie gave me the Excellent Blog Award. i thank her for this special gift and for believing in my work here.

when i looked at the folks around me, i realised that there are many excellent bloggers with first rate blogs. many of them would have received such an accolade before my votes. hence, i will present this award to the following folks whose prominence might be a little understated:

1. charlieboy
2. han
3. raeofsunshine
4. pj
5. rachel

i need a hug…
not a fug!
so off you fug,
if you aint giving me a hug!

(for that sober sullen drunk at the corner of helen’s bar on 14 feb)

I only asked for a simple story
But you went on and delivered a sermon.

I only needed a small favour
But you let the whole world know how big your help was.

I only wanted to be your Valentine
But you gave me the greatest bunch of flowers that meant nothing.

I only cared about who you were
But you only cared about what you did.

(a simple tribute to V-Day)

The snake had swallowed
The clump of news that rang loud
Rattle that damned worm!

a new job - new challenges. i know i can and i will. some sacrifices have to come in. yes, some. putting thoughts in words is not the same again. a revamp is needed, so at least this could continue for many good years ahead.

if you are hoping for more, so am i. please, have patience with me here. i’m working on it.

not easy, but…

Vesper thinks i have been friendly enough for her to give me this “Colours of Friendship” award. i thank her sincerely, and hope she will continue to support me here in my blog. finding friends in the blogosphere is easy, but being friends is hard. and i am learning how to be friends here.

Truth is like childbirth - necessary but excruciating.

I really didn’t know what to say when I learned about it. If she regarded me as a spouse, then I must have been an ass to believe her.

How could she hide this from me? How long did she think she could hide? Four days? Four weeks? Forever? It hurt too much. It really did. Four years of marriage wasn’t worth the effort?

You see, she surrendered all her policies without telling me her difficulty in financing the premiums. She could have told me, right? I could have helped a bit, right?

She fainted at work and was taken to the hospital. When I reached there, the doctor had diagnosed breast cancer - the late stage. And that was when her ex-agent met me and told me about her surrender - the truth. I was somewhat devastated, somewhat bitter.

For the next six months, we laboured on with my personal savings. Her treatment exhausted almost my entire coffers - all $200000. She apologised to me three times during this period and each time I had nothing to utter.

14 hours after the third time she apologised, she lost the battle and passed on. She left me with nothing.

Well, not quite. She left me nothing.

And a great lesson.

Vanilla, about the best encourager in the blogosphere, was at her best encouraging mood again. this time, she gave me the “MWAH!” award. here’s what she wrote:

The purpose of this award is motivated by:

the desire to hand some of that love and kindness back around to those who have been so very, very, very good to me in this bloggy world. My hope is that those who receive this award will pass it on to those who have been very, very, very good to them as well. It’s a big kiss, of the chaste platonic kind, from me to you with the underlying ‘thanks’ message implied. I really do appreciate your support and your friendship and yes, your comments. … Mwah!

i must be doing something right……

Circle has come full
On a night of yesteryears
Lucifer buried

Last month, I was just talking to Mr Chan at the coffeeshop. He was saying that the government should do something about the high cost of living and the low salary. The next morning, he dropped dead in the bedroom from a heart attack.

Last week, I met Susan at Coffee Bean. We recounted the good old days in high school and how I used to woo her before she left for the states. Two days later, she was run over by a motorcycle.

Yesterday, Jason called me and invited me to his wedding dinner next month. He shared how excited he was about starting his own family unit. I told him he’d make a good husband because he was a very patient guy. Last night, he was stabbed to death in a snatch theft.

Six hours ago, Mum rang me up and said Dad was admitted to hospital. It was just diagnosed that he was at the late stage of liver cancer. Just a few minutes after I had met him at Changi, he passed away.

Just now, an ambulance pulled over by the pavement. The paramedics rolled out the stretcher and I could see a young man with a number tag on his chest lying unconscious. Words spread that he was a seasoned marathon runner who collapsed seconds after completing 21 km.

Now, I am staring at him. He’s being pushed out with the sheet covering his face and his parents crying.

If life is so uncertain, what have I done?