doors left open

Truth is like childbirth - necessary but excruciating.

I really didn’t know what to say when I learned about it. If she regarded me as a spouse, then I must have been an ass to believe her.

How could she hide this from me? How long did she think she could hide? Four days? Four weeks? Forever? It hurt too much. It really did. Four years of marriage wasn’t worth the effort?

You see, she surrendered all her policies without telling me her difficulty in financing the premiums. She could have told me, right? I could have helped a bit, right?

She fainted at work and was taken to the hospital. When I reached there, the doctor had diagnosed breast cancer - the late stage. And that was when her ex-agent met me and told me about her surrender - the truth. I was somewhat devastated, somewhat bitter.

For the next six months, we laboured on with my personal savings. Her treatment exhausted almost my entire coffers - all $200000. She apologised to me three times during this period and each time I had nothing to utter.

14 hours after the third time she apologised, she lost the battle and passed on. She left me with nothing.

Well, not quite. She left me nothing.

And a great lesson.

Last month, I was just talking to Mr Chan at the coffeeshop. He was saying that the government should do something about the high cost of living and the low salary. The next morning, he dropped dead in the bedroom from a heart attack.

Last week, I met Susan at Coffee Bean. We recounted the good old days in high school and how I used to woo her before she left for the states. Two days later, she was run over by a motorcycle.

Yesterday, Jason called me and invited me to his wedding dinner next month. He shared how excited he was about starting his own family unit. I told him he’d make a good husband because he was a very patient guy. Last night, he was stabbed to death in a snatch theft.

Six hours ago, Mum rang me up and said Dad was admitted to hospital. It was just diagnosed that he was at the late stage of liver cancer. Just a few minutes after I had met him at Changi, he passed away.

Just now, an ambulance pulled over by the pavement. The paramedics rolled out the stretcher and I could see a young man with a number tag on his chest lying unconscious. Words spread that he was a seasoned marathon runner who collapsed seconds after completing 21 km.

Now, I am staring at him. He’s being pushed out with the sheet covering his face and his parents crying.

If life is so uncertain, what have I done?

a friend told me recently about his former female boss who worked tirelessly in the banking sector and took home up to 20 grand a month. one day, her son felt ill and she took him to the doctor. the boy was deemed fit for school. so she drove him there. the son felt happy despite feeling a little unwell. he went on to say, “mummy, do you know this is the first time you are taking me to school?” the woman broke down in tears upon hearing her son’s innocent words. the next day, she wrote a letter and resigned from her high-ranking post.

this simple tale has an impact on me. what and how, i can’t describe.

The Omega marks the Alpha
Sealing with the epilogue
That evokes the bravura
Of trials and tribulations
Of blessings and edifications

Time the commander
Takes charge of his prospect
Diverting route of progress
With ambitious navigation
That leads to the Promised Land

bad news from a former colleague and a friend last week. her two-year-old son was admitted to hospital due to an extremely weak heart. he is still in ICU now. prior to yesterday, he was supported by an artificial heart. now waiting for his heart to respond without support. he has since shown signs of strength to pull through.

it has been a traumatic experience for both parents who have an elder daughter. friends and colleagues who had visited them were often brought to tears. as parents ourselves, we should understand their feelings, though not completely. haven’t visited them in person and don’t intend to. though we are quite close, not sure if we would know what to say if we are there. heard that they need some financial help, so without hesitation, we gave it to them. we are all praying that the young boy will continue to fight.

knowing what the boy has been going through moved me much. but i was never close to tears. then i heard that the father was more affected than the mother. and the reason made me cry - the boy, in his unstable condition, apparently uttered, “Daddy!”

just came back from downtown east. three of us had a great time yesterday at wild wild wet and the maze for kids at eXplorerkid. Faith really loved all the water fun and the climbing through the tunnels experience. as i watched her play, my deepest love for her surfaced from within which almost brought tears to my eyes. i almost always have this huge sense of gratitude whenever i look at my girl.

and sometimes, i shudder when i think of the kind of world she’s going to live in for the good part of her entire life. mad cow disease, SARS, dengue fever, H5N1, global warming and its effects, terrorism, etc. my word…..my girl needs to be strong!

i was at the supermarket with my family buying some groceries. as usual, it was packed with people from all walks of life. and like what we have been doing for the last few years, we brought along our own reusable bags as part of our own effort in being environment-friendly. but as i observed the people in the queues at the cashiers’, almost all of them had no reusable bags, ie, they left the supermarket with more plastic bags. some of them even requested for extra bags to contain their ‘heavy’ items. despite the less plastic bag campaign and its awareness programme, people are just not doing it!

i have been telling my kids in school that the effects of climate change (and global warming) are real, and they all agree. i tell them that they have to help to raise this awareness wherever they go. but i wonder how many parents and relatives actually listen to my kids and treat what they say seriously.

i was watching a little of saving gaia on CNA the other day, and was appalled by the type of pollutants present in the polluted air in Jakarta. how can we let this continue to happen?!! people are dying a slow and painful death there! and i know this isn’t just happening in Indonesia.

really, the threats are there for all to see. but people in Singapore here are just not doing enough to suggest that they care about the environment or the world for that matter. maybe because we don’t really feel the impact in a big way yet. do people really have to learn their lessons the hard and harsh way?

as Singapore and her people celebrate her 42nd National Day today, i hope people out there will not forget the fact that not only Singapore needs us. The world needs us too.

when i visited Verilion over at her blog, i read about this climate change camp at heathrow airport. some of these care-for-the-environment people wanted to raise awareness about the amount of carbon dioxide in the air. of course, they met resistance from the authorities. then i read some comments from this gentleman named Calvin Jones. apparently, he is very much involved in anything to do with climate change. i’m really heartened by the fact that there are people out there who bother to fight for gaia. hence, i’ve decided to support Mr Jones by helping him spread his message. do read it. Read the rest of this entry »

simplicity is a rare commodity in the modern human race. few would stop and ponder over it. few would want to have anything to do with it. we were meant to enjoy it, but the world is ever evolving rapidly that we see it superfluous. why should we need it, some say, if the world can offer us so much more? times have changed, some say, so move with times and ignore it. without it, complacency and arrogance have taken root, leading to the evil complexity exposing its snares, a situation which most could not recognise or reconcile. seriously, complexity has become more rampant. times of wretchedness are looming large. if only we could all pause and observe and think. simplicity might just save the day.

i’m on the edge.

no. i’m not on the edge.

i’m off the edge.

i’m barely hanging on.

you cannot imagine how much is in my hands now.

pray with me, will you?

no. i’m not capable of expecting. i’m a male.

yes, i’m expecting a lot of things in my life.

after a rather short break, school will start next week. even before that, my work has begun this week. challenges, expectations on me, things are happening and they are fast and furious, if i may loosely borrow that tag.

i don’t think i am looking forward to work. i thought i might get into it initially and perhaps, i might enjoy doing it and get ready to soar to greater heights. but now, i’m not so sure. there are times when i wish i could be doing something else, honestly.

don’t get me wrong. this job used to have only one primary purpose, and i like achieving that primary purpose. but as the world is constantly changing, this job has evolved too. now it has two primary purposes (others like to put it, one primary purpose and one secondary purpose). the added purpose had made this job tougher than it used to be.

i’ve been on this job for the last ten years of my life. i’ve got lots of ups and downs in my career. the last two years are supposedly on my ‘up’ side. and with a new position this year, things should look rosy in the next couple of years. i’m probably on the verge of climbing up the ladder.

but somehow, i’m beginning to have doubts. i don’t doubt my abilities (yes, thick-skinned, i know). but i doubt that i will enjoy doing what i’m expected to do in the next few years. as i look at my life and all around me, i can’t help but feel that life is really too precious to be wasted doing what i don’t quite enjoy. (the world is increasingly becoming a threatening place to live in, you know what i mean?) there is my family for me to love and be loved; there are friends to catch up with; there are books to read; there is music for me to appreciate; there are many more things for me to try, experience, enjoy and cherish. should i be off soon?

at the moment, i don’t know. i wish to believe that i have time to think about it. but i know time is moving constantly. and i know that i might not even have the time to think if i were to perish in the next few seconds. will i have any regets then? yes, if you ask me now. i’ll have plenty to regret if i’m gone from the face of the earth.

am i selfish to bear such thoughts?

death is something totally unavoidable. we all know that. hence, some people fear it. they fear losing everything they have built or gained. they fear losing their loved ones. they fear…there could be a thousand and one reasons why they fear death.

if you ask me, honestly, there is only one reason why i fear death - not having the time to complete what i wish to accomplish. and i’m talking about many things to do here. like, getting my loved ones to believe in Him; writing my will so that my loved ones would at least gain some; telling the world that i’m really, really a pretty nice guy; playing in a band again; reading all the books that are left on the shelves, listening to all my acquired songs and music attentively; expressing my genuine care and concern to those who wish to be heard and comforted; travelling far, far away from here, visiting all the english football stadiums, watching my girl grow up and old, reliving my life again, etc, etc, etc.

when i read the newspapers daily, i see countless deaths being reported. i often think it might happen to me next. don’t get me wrong. i’m not freaking out. it’s just that i’m beginning to live my life as if i’m gone soon. i try to maximise all that i have so that my life will be meaningful and not wasted. not sure if i’m too extreme here. but so far, so good.

had a rather great time in hong kong, though the weather was generally hot. all the shopping, walking, family bonding, partying at disneyland, etc. Faith’s really grown a lot. we all cherished our time spent with her during this vacation. the only problem we had with her was she wanted to be carried most of the time. guess she wanted to build the hercules in the two of us.

went to shenzhen (china) on wednesday for a day’s tour. other than the fact that we were ‘conned’ into various ‘unchartered’ locations, i must mention that this trip and my stay in hong kong had offered me some sights that made me think. you see, the backdrop of hong kong (and shenzhen) is often made up of short, old, run-down houses and tall, modern, well-built skyscrapers. this contrast of old and new, poor and rich, couldn’t be described in any way. and this contrast could be seen amongst the people on the streets too. one scene in shenzhen, in particular, will stay in my mind for quite a while. as we were walking up an overhead bridge, we saw this woman carrying a sleeping baby and sitting on the floor. she was picking and eating some discarded rice from an overturned garbage bin. i did not feel for her, to be honest. but my heart ached when i saw the baby. perhaps i have a girl myself and i know the needs of a child. i couldn’t imagine how this mother could meet her baby’s needs. i really felt and still feel sad for the young life.

equality in the human race is just a myth. this, i acknowledge. but what can we do to minimise this inequality? we have people finding food from bins. we have p hilton getting away with a mysterious medical condition. we have african children walking around carrying fatal viruses. we have others splurging on lavish wedding celebrations. we…?

but of course, i’m probably looking at what’s obvious to the eyes. perhaps, deep inside every heart there is a soul that can be satisfied easily. all this soul needs is a rare gem called…

Contentment

Hell to those who despise
For they know not what we need
We may not have them all
But we do have each other
Which means so much more
Than what this freaking world
Could barely offer

You are all i care
You are all i have
You are all i need
And that’s fucking so enough

and this is what i seriously need to cultivate in my own life.

Sunrise
That was all I asked for
You told me I would get it

First day
You said you had a gruelling night
Second day
You said you had forgotten about it
Third day
You said the weather forecast wasn’t good

It went on and on and on
And that day never came

Differences were there for all to see
But I chose to hang on
I chose to have faith
I chose to believe

Sunrise
That was all I asked for
You told me I would get it

Fourth day
You said you were on duty
Fifth day
You said your health had failed
Sixth day
I said forget it

Once bitten twice shy
Only a fool like me was blind

Similarities were there for all to see
Now I chose to take off
I chose to have faith
I chose to believe

Sunrise
That is all I ask for
He tells me I will get it

First day
We enjoy sunrise

And I wonder
Will you ever have sunrise?

I’ve been tagged. Jason has kindly tagged me to share 8 random facts of myself. I’ll do it here, hoping that you guys out there will get to know me a little more. But before presenting the facts, here are the rules for the meme:

1. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

2. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their 8 things and post these rules.

3. At the end choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.

4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and to read your blog.

Brevity is a virtue which I barely possess. So pardon me, please.

Names

When we bought our miniature Maltese a few years back, we promptly named her Fiji. F and J are the initials of our names respectively.

We also agreed that we would name our offspring according to the initials of our names. Hence our firstborn is Faith. The second one would start with J. Have toyed with Justyn or Jeremiah (the weeping prophet) if it’s a boy. No idea for a girl yet.

Actually when I was still studying many years ago, I thought of having a daughter named Isabel and a son named Oliver.

The Feather

My mother told me that when I was little I was always forbidden to enter the kitchen. Maybe she didn’t want me to learn her butcher skills. But I never obeyed her which left her with serious migraine. But one fine day, she realised that I had not entered the kitchen the whole morning. After doing some forensic work in and out of the kitchen, she discovered my nemesis – a chicken feather (from the feather duster). It had been lying right on the path to the kitchen. Then, she experimented with the feather the next day. It worked. I shunned the kitchen. Life became a bed of roses for her ever since.

Yo-yo and the Miracle

My secondary school education (aged 13 to 16) was similar to that of the swing of a yo-yo in terms of academic results. After acing Mathematics at primary school, I went on to flunk it in my first year in secondary school – 33/100. By the end of year 1, I had bounced back meekly. Year 2 was first a success, then a failure due to complacency. Year 3 started disastrously and the failing grades went on till Year 4, the graduating year (GCE ‘O’ levels). By the middle of the last year, I had flunk most of my subjects with a total aggregate of 32 (the passing mark was 20). After that fateful period, I decided to pull up my socks and work out my miracle. And it came…I managed to climb out of the bottomless pit and achieve distinctions in several subjects, including Mathematics. I think I aced the ‘O’ levels.

Tear-Jerkers

I admit. I’m a sucker for tear-jerking movies. Movies that have made me weep uncontrollably. Some examples are “Beaches”, “Patch Adams” and even “Titanic” (pathetic, I know…I watched it 4 times in the theatres). But I have to mention one of my all-time favourites – a Korean romance called “Il Mare” (something which Hollywood went on to adapt shamelessly in the mould of “The Lake House”). If you haven’t watched it, I strongly recommend it. The love birds fell in love with each other without really seeing each other (something like “Sleepless in Seattle”). The music score is quite fantastic too.

Army Daze

Serving the army is a form of National Service in Singapore. And that is mandatory for all Singaporean males. Well, I must say I had a colourful army life. It started with some basic military training with the infantry unit. I was almost drafted into the brigade scouts company after that. Fortunately the Air Force took me for some flying experience programme. Most of my time was spent at a recruitment centre doing clerical work. The Air Force gave me an invitation to join them as a pilot trainee which I stupidly rejected. I was sent to a combat engineer unit. It turned out to be hellish! When in hell, I applied to be a pilot trainee. After my commanders’ training in hell, I duly joined the Air Force as a pilot trainee. I actually flew some propeller planes, totalling my flight hours to some 10 hours! Then, I failed my first flight exam, and was sent back to the combat engineers. With my rank, I was able to perform the role of recruit instructor. I shouted at the army recruits, ordered them to run and do push-ups, with the noble intention of disciplining. With that, I ended my two-and-a-half years of National Service. Now I’m still an active soldier who is only called upon once a year, performing the role of a Platoon Sergeant.

Cars

I like cars. But I’m not a freak or fanatic. Still, I have some dream cars. And, no, they are the Pagani Zondas, the Ferraris or the Lamborghinis. I’m a teacher. I don’t belong to the super rich group.

But some cars I would love to put my hands on include the BMW 7-series, the Mercedes S-Class (perhaps AMG), the Mazda RX-8, the Lexus RX-400, etc.

I used to own a mini-van in a Renault Express. Now I’m driving a Ford Focus saloon. After reading so much of pollution and global warming, I think my next car would be a hybrid one – Honda Civic hybrid or Toyota Prius.

Business Opportunities

I still dream of being my own boss. These are some business ideas:

A shop that sells music records/CDs and books
A tuition centre
An I.T. solutions company
Renting out sleeping space in shopping malls for tired shoppers to take power naps (the Japs and Americans are doing it.)
A business that sells anything that ladies love to buy (this sounds very profitable!)

I think the last option looks the best bet. Ladies don’t mind spending. Am I right?

Music

I have always loved music, and ever since I was 17, I have loved making music too. At 17, I bought my first Yamaha guitar and started playing it. My guitar skills picked up rapidly and before long, I was playing in worship services with Campus Crusade for Christ and churches. I also wrote my own songs (about 31 pieces now).

Some nine years ago, I joined my friend in starting our own band – Water & Wine. We performed at gigs all over the country. I got to play rhythm, bass and lead. I was on vocals for some songs and did backups too. We even got to record one song on a compilation CD. It was quite cool.

After that, my music exploration stops. Finding time to do it has been a challenge. Once in a while, I’ll pick up my guitar and reminisce my glorious days. Sometimes I will also bluff my way through the piano in the school’s music room.

The best that I can do now is to listen to and appreciate music.

Well, I hope I haven’t bored you to tears yet. Any comment about the above-mentioned facts is welcomed.

And now I’m going to tag the following folks for being such…… :

1. Atyllah (before she leaves, or has she? Hey, come back!)
2. Louis
3. Seamus
4. Romance Writer
5. Cave Blogem
6. Wild Guppy
7. Reader’s Words
8. Patty

We are on the edge
Neither of us dares to choose
Let the flip of the coin decide
First flip yours, second flip mine

Eyes closed, fingers crossed
Up, up and away
Palm enclosure
Head it is –

Adversity begets the supremacy of Man

Go on
Live your life

Eyes closed, fingers crossed
Up, up and away
Palm enclosure
Tail it is –

Life is so immaterial that death becomes material

Go on
Lose my life

Guess this is it
Parting has never been easier

Warmth skinned from within
As heaved through the feminine lodge
Solace and darkness so yearned
At fresh flesh genesis fleeced

Frowned upon palpable silence
Under barrages of soul bellow
Innocence’s divine origin
Now ever deflowered ’cross ages

Visions oh so chaste
By minutes gates of foul exposed
Tongues of cherubic nature shunned
To wag the wag’s the pun

Socks worked for agape
Unto self could sure be done
Wise fools’ calculated acumen
In lust trust then shall build

Fruits from trinity raided
With weapon o’ mess destruction dubbed time