doors left open

today, almost 50000 primary 6 pupils received their PSLE results. as expected, the top dog in my school is a certain mr lau who achieved a certain aggregate in 282. the overall top pupil in Singapore is a Malay girl with a score of 294. for those not in the know, such scores are derived using the bell curve for each of the four major subjects. anyway, i’m happy for mr lau, mr chow, ms kwek and ms gan for scoring above 260. and of course, i must also congratulate the rest of my pupils who have made it to secondary school education. after working so hard with all of them, i am proud of what they have achieved, all 84 of them. different pupils and parents came up to me and thanked me. i might have played a part in their results, but i’m pretty sure for the most of it, their effort dominated proceedings. so pupils of 6A and 6B, and the rest of the classes, well done! now i can retire from teaching and move on to the next phase of my life without regrets.

and happy wedding anniversary to the two of us!

Jennifer and I took Faith to the cinema to watch “Bee Movie“, something we had promised our little girl who is slowly but definitely growing into a big girl. Before we bought the tickets, a young man came to us and offered to buy us the tickets at a discounted price. The usual price for one ticket was $7. But he had a member’s privilege card which could get us one ticket for $5.

Like any ordinary Singaporean, we were skeptical about this. Was this man trying to hoodwink us into something scheming? Why was he so nice to us? He didn’t really push it, but I thanked him and went along with it. He used his card to buy us two tickets at $10. We thanked him again and looked at each other, still questioning his motive.

Minutes later, we met him at the food court. I thanked him again and told him honestly that we were doubting him. He said there were others who did not believe him and refused his offer. I told him perhaps this is a “Singaporean” thing - we are not nice to people and we don’t believe that people can be nice. As I reflect on this incident, I feel ashamed when I think of times when I choose not to be nice to people, and worse still, I doubt people who are nice. The scant consolation could be that there are probably others out there who behave like me.

Well, I have been nice to people the last few years, but believing in people who are nice is something I’m still learning to do. Anyway, I offered to buy Fred (he told me later) a cup of tea. He accepted my offer, but had to rush off for his movie. It was a pity that I could not get hold of his number, for I think he really is a nice guy.

Anyway, “Bee Movie” is strictly not suitable for young children because most of them will probably not understand the jokes in the show. My two-and-a-half-year-old daughter said she enjoyed the show. I believed her. And I think she is falling sick. Have to observe her closely.

After passing my exam papers, I’m left with one more next week. Then, I will embark on a new journey.

My pupils’ PSLE results will be released tomorrow. I’m excited, and I believe my pupils’ feelings and emotions are stronger. Keeping all our fingers crossed.

By the way, I’ve finally got my hands on “A Half Life of One” by brilliant Bill, and he is a nice bloke. Looking forward to devouring his words this December.

just the other day, i was exhaling wholeheartedly everything that was up in the mind. never thought i could do it so well, and could never have imagined that i was actually swimming with you in the pool of possibilities. bet you didn’t think that your actions could mean so much the other way round. the expressions and waves of emotions could have fooled anybody, but me. the bliss that enshrouded the deepest and darkest wishes was beyond any form of depiction. fat or slim, i could never tell. i just wanted to stay afloat and touch the warmth ensued from the smallest squared prime hours spent together.

the day after was stranger, ‘cos the heart fondled no more than it was supposed to be. blue ought to be the colour, but no, it did not turn up.

and the day after was perhaps the strangest, ‘cos the inkling and the tinkling wooed me a wee bit, and i could feel the presence of the positive and the negative blue. perplexed i may sound now, but the fault is not mine. blame only blue.

yeah…blame only blue. period.

a friend told me recently about his former female boss who worked tirelessly in the banking sector and took home up to 20 grand a month. one day, her son felt ill and she took him to the doctor. the boy was deemed fit for school. so she drove him there. the son felt happy despite feeling a little unwell. he went on to say, “mummy, do you know this is the first time you are taking me to school?” the woman broke down in tears upon hearing her son’s innocent words. the next day, she wrote a letter and resigned from her high-ranking post.

this simple tale has an impact on me. what and how, i can’t describe.

Dear nice Miss Verilion over at nice Paris has nicely given me a very nice award - the “Nice Matters” award.

I don’t doubt the fact that some nice people around me are nice to me; Miss Verilion being one. But I was nicely taken aback when I saw my nice name being nicely mentioned for one nice reason - being a nice guy who is “just always so nice”. Some of you might nicely think that this is not nicely important. But to me, it is a nice huge encouragement and a nice pat on the back. I never consider myself nice for I nicely know that I can be short-tempered and impatient; two traits I don’t consider nice. So, nicely put, I thank you, Miss Verilion!

It would be a nice disgrace to the nice award if I don’t pass on this award to some nice people around. I would gladly hand this nice award back to Miss Verilion if she hadn’t received it from someone, for she has always been nice to me here.

First up, Miss Vanilla, someone whose positive feedback and constant encouragement never fail to inspire me.

Then, I have Miss Vesper whose niceness can be beyond description at times. And the fact that she is a nice mother makes her extra nice.

Mr Jason Evans is a gentleman who deserves this award. He has been nice enough to hold writing competitions for writers from all walks of life. He has been nice enough to dish out awards and prizes to writers from all walks of life. He has been nice enough to encourage budding writers like me.

I also have two local lads in mind. Mr Louis Loo, my ex-student, has come of age as a young man. He has been a nice pal who was nice enough to spend his time with me and my little one the other evening. And he’s a Liverpool fan too. That is nice.

Miss Joyce Yap whom I met just recently is a young aspiring nice musician who is nice in her own way. Being nicely forthright, nicely honest without inhibition and nicely friendly, she so nicely deserves this award.

Ok, time out for a nice while.

Dear God, I’m in a good mood today! Do you know why? Daddy has finally looked at me today! It was such a magical feeling! And I counted; he looked at me four times!

I woke up this morning, thinking that it was just going to be another day. In fact, the mornings of the last eight years had always been extra ordinary. I could not imagine anything that is more ordinary than my mornings, and I don’t wish to talk about it now.

I just want to bask in the glory of Daddy’s beautiful eyes. It really has been a long time since he looked at me in the eyes. His dark pupils spoke volumes; his long eyelashes curled gracefully; and his soulful eyes warmed my heart. I’m really so happy that he looked at me!

Then, he told me that he was sorry to have treated me that way. He said he regretted saying I was the reason Mummy left him - something which I still don’t understand. Daddy is a man of few words, so he stopped talking after that and walked away.

My heart was still rejoicing when Daddy came back to me with some ointment. He looked at me again and pondered for a moment. His dark pupils spoke volumes; his long eyelashes curled gracefully; and his soulful eyes warmed my heart. I’m really so happy that he looked at me! Then he applied some ointment on the various dark spots all over my body. I can’t remember how these spots came about, but Daddy said that he gave them to me because he loves me. I was on cloud nine when he said that. I felt the pain everytime Daddy rubbed the ointment on the dark spots, but I could feel the tenderness in his hand.

Daddy walked away again. I was already beaming. Maybe tomorrow’s morning will no longer be ordinary anymore. Then, he came back to me and looked at me in the eyes. His dark pupils spoke volumes; his long eyelashes curled gracefully; and his soulful eyes warmed my heart. I’m really so happy that he looked at me! You can never believe what happened next! Daddy took off my clothes and put on a new dress for me! He actually bought me a new dress! This time, I really could not contain myself. I just laughed. I felt beautiful!

Then, Daddy held my hand and led me out of my house! This was the first time I was out of my house! And it was really bright out there! I looked all around me and was nervous yet excited about seeing so many new things. I could not make sense of anything, but I was happy that Daddy was taking me out.

We walked some distance away from our house before coming to a small black chair lying on the ground next to what Daddy called a lamppost. Daddy put the chair up properly and told me to sit on it. I did as told. My heart was pounding fast. Then, he looked at me again! His dark pupils spoke volumes; his long eyelashes curled gracefully; and his soulful eyes warmed my heart. I’m really so happy that he looked at me! He told me to sit there and wait. I did as told. Then, he walked away again.

I saw Daddy walking some distance away before disappearing. I looked around me. I did not know what I was looking at, but I was still very happy. Happy that Daddy has finally looked at me today! Four times he did it!

I’m in a good mood today!

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Daddy has finally looked at me today!
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God, what time do you think is Daddy coming back?
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Daddy has finally looked at me today!
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Is that a moon up there?

The throat

Parched under heat
Flaking in layers
Rough gradient
Sore loser

Chilly fever
Smooth slope
Luscious in bite
Lemonade drip by drip

Soothed
Ice age throttled

I looked at the summit I was about to mount. I knew it was more than daunting. However, I wanted very much to try it for my own purpose and for my folks’ sake. After all, they gave me the belief, the love and the encouragement I so badly needed. It was never an easy climb, considering the fact that no one had ever attempted an ascent up this peak. But I was not going to give up. Not without a mighty fight. Yes, I suffered along the way. Yes, I got knocks and bruises all over. Yet, I pressed on with grit, looking at how people supported my mission. There were times when success was imminent. There was hope that I might just reach my goal. But somehow the journey gradually became more arduous. My body slowly succumbed to the frailties of a typical human body. Even as my loved ones egged me on, I couldn’t help but feel disillusioned. I really could not see my final destination up at the top, and I soon realised that it was naïve of me to believe that I could actually make it. Then, the moment arrived. I was hanging by the cliff after a slip. I managed to cling tightly onto something, yet I knew I was fading. Perhaps, I was not going further this time. I just held firmly and cried bitterly. Everything about the climb was simply too strenuous, too demanding for my useless build. Then, one of them decided to let me go. She told me that maybe the climb was not that worthwhile after all; that maybe it was time to stop my movement upwards. I sobbed and agreed with her. I promised her that I would find a better life elsewhere. I wanted them to promise me that they would lead their lives meaningfully in my absence. We all wept for a few seconds that felt like ages. I mustered my last bit of strength to say, “I love you both!” before I let go eternally.

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that you were in paradise, having lots of fun. The ferris wheel was spinning in tune with your whistle. My god, since when you knew how to whistle. You were jumping in the bouncing castle, watching the roller coaster at the same time. I shouted for you, but you could not hear me. Then I just sat there, observing you. You looked truly happy, and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Then, everything stood still, and I opened my eyes. I stared at the ceiling. The sun had already brightened the room. I wished the dream hadn’t ended.

It was another day, and I still hadn’t got a clue how I should live it, just like all other days. I got off the bed and went to the washroom. I sat there, refusing to think about anything. No, I was still thinking about you. The same question came back to haunt me. How could all these happen to you? For the first time in weeks, there were no tears at the thought of it.

I picked up a piece of bread, laid a slice of cheese on it, and began chewing the food. I missed seeing you at the dining table, swallowing your breakfast. Then, I stepped into the kitchen, like all other days. I had decided to keep my faith and start preparing the soup you so loved. Carrots, peas, potatoes and chicken with some leek. It was easy to cook this, and it was never a challenge feeding you with this. I packed the soup and told myself that you would come round to drink it. I got dressed and left the house.

I saw many faces along the way. Behind each face was a tale waiting to be told, I always believed. And I was pretty sure that someone out there could be suffering a similar fate you were in. Not that it would be much of a consolation.

I stood at the door that was left open. I didn’t want to imagine who was with you now.

If I saw the doctor, I would be afraid that he might give me the anticipated tragic news. I was already hit quite badly, and I couldn’t imagine the collapse I’d probably come to when I heard it.

If I saw him, I would be afraid that I would lose control. I would wail like I did the other day and run to him for comfort and reasons to all these. I would put more pressure on him who had never really recovered since the day you were admitted.

I wished I could be alone with you now. But I knew I had to enter the room.

I pushed the door, and I saw you. It was the same you, the same darling to my soul. I really didn’t find you any different from the times we had had together. Yes, you had these multiple number of tubes inserted into various parts of your body. Yes, you had these equipment and machines attached to your body. Yes, you had this set of swollen limbs. Yes, your eyes were shut and your chest rose rapidly with each breath. Yes, you were lying so still that one could mistake you as dead. But, you were still you, the darling to my soul.

Damn it! The same question came back to haunt me. How could all these happen to you? Waves of sorrow were surmounted by my faceless head. Don’t make me feel numb, please. I would rather cry out loud. Why was it that I was not reacting emotionally?

I took a step closer to you, wanting to touch your skin. I wanted to give you warmth, and felt yours at the same time.

Then, I saw him, sprawled on the floor motionless. This was the fourth time. Without much anxiety strangely, I pressed the button.

Now, I knew how I should live my day.

it is just not quite possible for me to count my blessings at the moment when someone i know is suffering. i am weak, i know.

i’ll be visiting the boy later.

Look into my eyes.
You know I love you.

How could you doubt me?
Had I not done enough?
I have always believed,
I have never stopped trying.
So, I thought you were with me,
I assumed you would work for it.
How wrong, how naïve,
How disillusioned I have been.
Don’t blame me,
I’m just trying to make things right.
Please forgive me,
I’ll make it all up to you.
I wish this have never happened,
I hope this will stop pretty soon.
I’m doing it not quite
In the name of the Trinity,
But in the name of our love –
Something which I know you still have.

Look into my eyes.
You know I love you.

bad news from a former colleague and a friend last week. her two-year-old son was admitted to hospital due to an extremely weak heart. he is still in ICU now. prior to yesterday, he was supported by an artificial heart. now waiting for his heart to respond without support. he has since shown signs of strength to pull through.

it has been a traumatic experience for both parents who have an elder daughter. friends and colleagues who had visited them were often brought to tears. as parents ourselves, we should understand their feelings, though not completely. haven’t visited them in person and don’t intend to. though we are quite close, not sure if we would know what to say if we are there. heard that they need some financial help, so without hesitation, we gave it to them. we are all praying that the young boy will continue to fight.

knowing what the boy has been going through moved me much. but i was never close to tears. then i heard that the father was more affected than the mother. and the reason made me cry - the boy, in his unstable condition, apparently uttered, “Daddy!”

look

this pain
you have engraved
in my heart

telling me earlier
would not have
lessened it

it cuts across
like nails on a blackboard
and it pierces deep
like a pencil thrust into an ear

teeth into skin
hands into boiling oil
a chopper into fingers
a dagger into throat

blood
would have soothed this pain
for it could mask it

but
how you have punished me
with this silent killer

i could only wish
that someone would end
this pain
i could only hope
that someone would end
this you

look again

just came back from downtown east. three of us had a great time yesterday at wild wild wet and the maze for kids at eXplorerkid. Faith really loved all the water fun and the climbing through the tunnels experience. as i watched her play, my deepest love for her surfaced from within which almost brought tears to my eyes. i almost always have this huge sense of gratitude whenever i look at my girl.

and sometimes, i shudder when i think of the kind of world she’s going to live in for the good part of her entire life. mad cow disease, SARS, dengue fever, H5N1, global warming and its effects, terrorism, etc. my word…..my girl needs to be strong!

i was at the supermarket with my family buying some groceries. as usual, it was packed with people from all walks of life. and like what we have been doing for the last few years, we brought along our own reusable bags as part of our own effort in being environment-friendly. but as i observed the people in the queues at the cashiers’, almost all of them had no reusable bags, ie, they left the supermarket with more plastic bags. some of them even requested for extra bags to contain their ‘heavy’ items. despite the less plastic bag campaign and its awareness programme, people are just not doing it!

i have been telling my kids in school that the effects of climate change (and global warming) are real, and they all agree. i tell them that they have to help to raise this awareness wherever they go. but i wonder how many parents and relatives actually listen to my kids and treat what they say seriously.

i was watching a little of saving gaia on CNA the other day, and was appalled by the type of pollutants present in the polluted air in Jakarta. how can we let this continue to happen?!! people are dying a slow and painful death there! and i know this isn’t just happening in Indonesia.

really, the threats are there for all to see. but people in Singapore here are just not doing enough to suggest that they care about the environment or the world for that matter. maybe because we don’t really feel the impact in a big way yet. do people really have to learn their lessons the hard and harsh way?

as Singapore and her people celebrate her 42nd National Day today, i hope people out there will not forget the fact that not only Singapore needs us. The world needs us too.

when i visited Verilion over at her blog, i read about this climate change camp at heathrow airport. some of these care-for-the-environment people wanted to raise awareness about the amount of carbon dioxide in the air. of course, they met resistance from the authorities. then i read some comments from this gentleman named Calvin Jones. apparently, he is very much involved in anything to do with climate change. i’m really heartened by the fact that there are people out there who bother to fight for gaia. hence, i’ve decided to support Mr Jones by helping him spread his message. do read it. Read the rest of this entry »

He gazed at the cloud. The one that had always been there for him every morning. Its lofty position had never been swayed. Not even the strongest of storms could move it an inch. He was certain that God had specially created that cloud just for him. He smiled regrettably. He was going to miss it much.

He looked at all around him: the four walls and the ceiling and the floor, and the little window, and of course, the door. Others labelled this place the cell. He preferred it to be called his castle. A place where he could stand tall amongst the rest. A fortress against all odds of life. A shelter where he could be forgotten. He was certain that God had specially created this castle just for him. He grinned lamentably. He was going to miss it much.

He felt the breeze moving through the grills. It gently slapped on his face. It smelled really good. It carried with it the aroma of the charming lake. He could almost always feel the vibes of the lives beneath the surface of the glistening waters. He was certain that God had specially created the lake just for him. He tittered remorsefully. He was going to miss it much.

The door opened. Everything happened swiftly from there.

He stood. He walked. He did not turn round to take a last look at them. They were of the past. He was looking into the future. The promise of life would be fulfilled soon. He was ready.

Closed.

Tied.

Released.

Opened.

(a simple tribute to Mr Nabokov)